Can You See Others as They See Themselves?
Stephen Batchelor on the life-warming (and highly learnable) skill known as empathy.
Photo: Thinkstock
In every human encounter, even with a stranger, you have the capacity to close down or open up. Let's say you have an appointment in a bank, and the employee seems distracted, strangely distant, and unconcerned with your affairs. He keeps forgetting what you just told him. Your frustration mounts. You start to feel angry. "Why do they hire such incompetents?" you wonder. The man excuses himself and hurries outside. Moments later the manager appears. She explains that her colleague's wife and child have been seriously injured in a car crash. The wife is in a coma, the youngster on life support. Your anger vanishes and is replaced by compassion.
Anytime you meet someone, you have a choice. You can stubbornly insist on seeing him in relation to your own desires—in the case of the bank employee, as an obstacle and a pain in the neck. Or you can regard him as a creature just like you who longs for happiness and yearns to be free of anxiety and pain. You can embrace the totality of the other person or cut him off by only paying attention to those aspects of his behavior that affect you at a given moment.
All religions offer ways of keeping open our connections with others. They challenge our limiting, self-centered views of people by encouraging us to see them as children of God, as Christs, or Buddhas. This doesn't mean that you turn a blind eye to a person's incompetence. It implies that children of God or potential Buddhas can suffer tragedies, make unkind remarks, and fail to perform the tasks with which they are charged. Rather than defining them in terms of one particular failing, we recognize how they embody boundless possibilities. The person who deeply irritates you in one context turns out to be sensitive, wise, and loving in another.
We all know difficult people. I have only to glimpse such a person from afar, and immediately everything about her repels me: the slant of her mouth, the shrug of her shoulders, the tone of her voice, the cut of her dress. Although she has a husband, children, and friends, it's inconceivable to me that they could love such a woman. The power of my antipathy freezes her inside an image that seems fixed for eternity.
Then I recall how just a few months ago, merely to think of her would bring a warm smile to my face. What changed? The trouble might have started with nothing more than a careless barbed remark or an insensitive comment that opened up an old wound. As that hurt began to fester, steadily fueled by new suspicions and resurrected grievances, my perception of her shifted. The friend I impatiently longed to see again was transformed into someone I would go to any lengths to avoid.
The way you perceive someone in your mind's eye is intimately linked to the way you feel about that person. In remembering how you saw an estranged friend before you had a change of heart, you might glimpse the moment when the connection between you was severed.
Anytime you meet someone, you have a choice. You can stubbornly insist on seeing him in relation to your own desires—in the case of the bank employee, as an obstacle and a pain in the neck. Or you can regard him as a creature just like you who longs for happiness and yearns to be free of anxiety and pain. You can embrace the totality of the other person or cut him off by only paying attention to those aspects of his behavior that affect you at a given moment.
All religions offer ways of keeping open our connections with others. They challenge our limiting, self-centered views of people by encouraging us to see them as children of God, as Christs, or Buddhas. This doesn't mean that you turn a blind eye to a person's incompetence. It implies that children of God or potential Buddhas can suffer tragedies, make unkind remarks, and fail to perform the tasks with which they are charged. Rather than defining them in terms of one particular failing, we recognize how they embody boundless possibilities. The person who deeply irritates you in one context turns out to be sensitive, wise, and loving in another.
We all know difficult people. I have only to glimpse such a person from afar, and immediately everything about her repels me: the slant of her mouth, the shrug of her shoulders, the tone of her voice, the cut of her dress. Although she has a husband, children, and friends, it's inconceivable to me that they could love such a woman. The power of my antipathy freezes her inside an image that seems fixed for eternity.
Then I recall how just a few months ago, merely to think of her would bring a warm smile to my face. What changed? The trouble might have started with nothing more than a careless barbed remark or an insensitive comment that opened up an old wound. As that hurt began to fester, steadily fueled by new suspicions and resurrected grievances, my perception of her shifted. The friend I impatiently longed to see again was transformed into someone I would go to any lengths to avoid.
The way you perceive someone in your mind's eye is intimately linked to the way you feel about that person. In remembering how you saw an estranged friend before you had a change of heart, you might glimpse the moment when the connection between you was severed.
NEXT STORY
